My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's 
what my handlers tell me.
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.