A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had 
your willpower."
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.