Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. 

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. 

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. 

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. 

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. 

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. 

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. 

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. 

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. 

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. 

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. 

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? 

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. 

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. 

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.