Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. 

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. 

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. 

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. 

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. 

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. 

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. 

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. 

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. 

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. 

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. 

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is