Dick Gregory

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede. 

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned. 

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man. 

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. 

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that. 

I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country. 

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist. 

If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market. 

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you. 

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine. 

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten. 

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss. 

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class. 

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.