Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. 

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. 

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. 

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. 

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. 

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. 

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. 

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. 

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. 

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. 

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. 

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. 

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. 

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?