Stephen Colbert

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.