Emma Chase

For God's sake, don't let her watch Cinderella. What kind of example is that? A mindless twit who can't even remember where she left her damn shoe, so she has to wait for some douchebag in tights to bring it to her? Give me a frigging break

Mackenzie raises her hand proudly. “I have a bagina.” 
I smirk. “Yes, you do sweetheart. And someday, it’s gonna help you rule the world.

It’s simple guy logic: If a woman is angry? It means she cares. If you’re in a relationship and a chick can’t even be bothered to yell at you? You’re screwed. Indifference is a woman’s kiss of death. It’s the equivalent of a man not interested in sex. In either case—it’s over. You’re done.

Newsflash, ladies: We can’t read your thoughts. And frankly, I’m not entirely sure I’d want to. The female mind is a scary place to be.

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?
Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments.

God. I may end up being the first man in history capable of masturbating without touching himself. Look, Mom—no hands.

"Fine" is a funny word, don’t you think? I don’t think there’s another like it in the English language that says so much while actually saying so little.

I don’t go to church. Not anymore. I’m a lot of things, but a hypocrite really isn’t one of them. If you’re not going to play by the rules, you don’t show up for team meetings.

Vaginas beat penises every time. 
They're like kryptonite.
Penises are defenseless against them

After this? Heaven's going to be a major disappointment.

How many wives have told their husbands, “I’m fine,” when they really mean, “I want to cut your balls off with a butcher knife”? How many men have told their girlfriends, “You look fine,” when they really mean, “You need to go back to the gym and work out—a lot.” It’s the universal way of saying we’re just peachy—when we’re really anything but.