George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. 

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.