Daniel Handler

Stop saying no offense,” I said, “when you say offensive things. It’s not a free pass.

I was stupid, the official descriptive phrase for happy.

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it turns up.

Either you have the feeling or you don't. 

I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

I’m not a romantic, I’m a half-wit. Only stupid people would think I’m smart. I’m not something anyone should know. I’m a lunatic wandering around for scraps, I’m like every single miserable moron I’ve scorned and pretended I didn’t recognize. I’m all of them, every last ugly thing in a bad last-minute costume. I’m not different, not at all, not different from any other speck of a thing. I’m a blemished blemish, a ruined ruin, a stained wreck so failed I can’t see what I used to be.