Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Laughter is an instant vacation.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" 
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.