Rodney Dangerfield II

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.