Chelsea Handler

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that was what blow jobs were for.