Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

Tiffanie DeBartolo

Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them.

Personally, I don’t like inherently happy people. I don’t trust them. I think there’s something seriously wrong with anyone who isn’t at least a little let down by the world.

And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.

Tell me what you listen to, and I'll tell you who you are.

We’re all searching for something to fill up what I like to call that big, God-shaped hole in our souls. Some people use alcohol, or sex, or their children, or food, or money, or music, or heroin. A lot of people even use the concept of God itself. I could go on and on. I used to know a girl who used shoes. She had over two-hundred pairs. But it’s all the same thing, really. People, for some stupid reason, think they can escape their sorrows.

There's a big difference between being alone and being lonely. And I'm guessing that once you've discovered this distinction you can't go back to solitary confinement without serious emotional repercussions.

Just knowing you exist changed the world for me.

Don't waste your time with fear... Fear won't keep you safe from being hurt.

Fate is the magnetic pull of our souls toward the people, places, and things we belong with.

Sometimes I would open my eyes when we were kissing, I would watch him and I could see it. I could actually see LOVE - not words, not an emotion, not an abstract concept or a subjective state of mind, but a living, breathing thing.

I try to find meaning anywhere I can. It's the only way I know how to validate my existence.

Madonna

I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you've come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

I laugh at myself. 
I don't take myself completely seriously. 
I think that's another quality that people have to hold on to... you have to laugh, especially at yourself.

Sick and perverted always appeals to me.

A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want.

I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams.

If your joy is derived from what society thinks of you, you're always going to be disappointed.

I've been popular and unpopular successful and unsuccessful loved and loathed and I know how meaningless it all is. Therefore I feel free to take whatever risks I want.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Power without guilt, love without doubt....

Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather read a book.

Leonardo da Vinci II

Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.

Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

The painter has the Universe in his mind and hands.

Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.

Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first understood.

As a well spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death.

If you are alone you belong entirely to yourself. If you are accompanied by even one companion you belong only half to yourself or even less in proportion to the thoughtlessness of his conduct and if you have more than one companion you will fall more deeply into the same plight.

The function of muscle is to pull and not to push, except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.

There are three classes of people: those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see.

The deeper the feeling, the greater the pain.

It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

One has no right to love or hate anything if one has not acquired a thorough knowledge of its nature. Great love springs from great knowledge of the beloved object, and if you know it but little you will be able to love it only a little or not at all.

Isabel Allende

The longer I live, the more uninformed I feel. Only the young have an explanation for everything.

Write what should not be forgotten.

The library is inhabited by spirits that come out of the pages at night.

Accept the children the way we accept trees—with gratitude, because they are a blessing—but do not have expectations or desires. You don’t expect trees to change, you love them as they are.

For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.

There is no death, daughter. People die only when we forget them,' my mother explained shortly before she left me. 'If you can remember me, I will be with you always.

We only have what we give.

A man does what he can; a woman does what a man cannot.

Words are not that important when you recognize intentions.

You are the storyteller of your own life, and you can create your own legend, or not.

When love exists, nothing else matters, not life’s predicaments, not the fury of the years, not a physical winding down or scarcity of opportunity.

Just as when we come into the world, when we die we are afraid of the unknown. But the fear is something from within us that has nothing to do with reality. Dying is like being born: just a change.

Memory is fiction. We select the brightest and the darkest, ignoring what we are ashamed of, and so embroider the broad tapestry of our lives.

Tupac Shakur

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a

situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender.

I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it

Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete? Proving nature's laws wrong, it learned to walk without having feet. Funny, it seems to by keeping it's dreams; it learned to breathe fresh air. Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared.

There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future.
But through whatever you see,
through all the rain and the pain,
you gotta keep your sense of humor.
You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit.

You're right. I am crazy. But you know what else? I don't give a fuck.

They Have Money For War But Can't Feed The Poor.

Hate to sound sleazy, 
but tease me, 
I don't want it if it's that easy

Fear is stronger than love.

Out of anger comes controversy, out of controversy comes conversation, out of conversation comes action.

Emma Chase

For God's sake, don't let her watch Cinderella. What kind of example is that? A mindless twit who can't even remember where she left her damn shoe, so she has to wait for some douchebag in tights to bring it to her? Give me a frigging break

Mackenzie raises her hand proudly. “I have a bagina.” 
I smirk. “Yes, you do sweetheart. And someday, it’s gonna help you rule the world.

It’s simple guy logic: If a woman is angry? It means she cares. If you’re in a relationship and a chick can’t even be bothered to yell at you? You’re screwed. Indifference is a woman’s kiss of death. It’s the equivalent of a man not interested in sex. In either case—it’s over. You’re done.

Newsflash, ladies: We can’t read your thoughts. And frankly, I’m not entirely sure I’d want to. The female mind is a scary place to be.

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?
Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments.

God. I may end up being the first man in history capable of masturbating without touching himself. Look, Mom—no hands.

"Fine" is a funny word, don’t you think? I don’t think there’s another like it in the English language that says so much while actually saying so little.

I don’t go to church. Not anymore. I’m a lot of things, but a hypocrite really isn’t one of them. If you’re not going to play by the rules, you don’t show up for team meetings.

Vaginas beat penises every time. 
They're like kryptonite.
Penises are defenseless against them

After this? Heaven's going to be a major disappointment.

How many wives have told their husbands, “I’m fine,” when they really mean, “I want to cut your balls off with a butcher knife”? How many men have told their girlfriends, “You look fine,” when they really mean, “You need to go back to the gym and work out—a lot.” It’s the universal way of saying we’re just peachy—when we’re really anything but.

Mary Wollstonecraft

The beginning is always today.

I do not wish them [women] to have power over men; but over themselves.

My own sex, I hope, will excuse me, if I treat them like rational creatures, instead of flattering their fascinating graces, and viewing them as if they were in a state of perpetual childhood, unable to stand alone.

If we revert to history, we shall find that the women who have distinguished themselves have neither been the most beautiful nor the most gentle of their sex.

Taught from their infancy that beauty is woman's sceptre, the mind shapes itself to the body, and roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison.

No man chooses evil because it is evil; he just mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.

Friendship is a serious affection; the most sublime of all affections, because it is founded on principle, and cemented by time.

Simplicity and sincerity generally go hand in hand, as both proceed from a love of truth.

Surely something resides in this heart that is not perishable - and life is more than a dream.

My dreams were all my own; I accounted for them to nobody; they were my refuge when annoyed - my dearest pleasure when free.

Friendship and domestic happiness are continually praised; yet how little is there of either in the world, because it requires more cultivation of mind to keep awake affection, even in our own hearts, than the common run of people suppose.

Josephine Angelini

I don’t care how hard being together is, nothing is worse than being apart.

She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.

So, what can't you take? Decide which of the two options is harder, and do the other. That way, no matter how hard your choice turns out to be, at least you can find comfort in knowing you're avoiding something even worse.

I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.

You've got the killer instincts of a houseplant.

Never say never,” he said urgently, rolling back on top of her and using all of his unusually heavy mass to press her deep into the cocoon of her little girl bed. “The gods love to toy with people who use absolutes.

Try to remember that dreams do come true, but they don't come easily.

And I don't just WANT you, Helen. I LOVE you. Big difference.

The Gods know what it is to be eternal, and they love to toy with mortals who use absolutes.

It's not our talents that make us safe or dangerous, it's our choices.

Even if it kills me, staying awake and seeing you... is better than any dream.

Zadie Smith

The past is always tense, the future perfect.

She wore her sexuality with an older woman's ease, and not like an awkward purse, never knowing how to hold it, where to hang it, or when to just put it down.

The greatest lie ever told about love is that it sets you free.

The very reason I write is so that I might not sleepwalk through my entire life.

Time is how you spend your love.

Sometimes you get a flash of what you look like to other people.

Boys are just boys after all, but sometimes girls really seem to be the turn of a pale wrist, or the sudden jut of a hip, or a clutch of very dark hair falling across a freckled forehead. I'm not saying that's what they really are. I'm just saying sometimes it seems that way, and that those details (a thigh mole, a full face flush, a scar the precise shape and size of a cashew nut) are so many hooks waiting to land you.

If religion is the opiate of the people, tradition is an even more sinister analgesic, simply because it rarely appears sinister. If religion is a tight band, a throbbing vein, and a needle, tradition is a far homelier concoction: poppy seeds ground into tea; a sweet cocoa drink laced with cocaine; the kind of thing your grandmother might have made.

Every moment happens twice: inside and outside, and they are two different histories.