Cathy Guisewite

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Each of us wages a private battle each day between the grand fantasies we have for ourselves and what actually happens.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

My mother had always taught me to write about my feelings instead of sharing really personal things with others, so I spent many evenings writing in my diary, eating everything in the kitchen and waiting for Mr. Wrong to call.

When you eat a carrot that is nothing but carrot it zooms through your system as a carrot. When you eat a piece of mass-produced carrot cake that contains 32 ingredients, your metabolism screeches to a halt while your body tries to figure out what all those things are that you just swallowed, and what it is supposed to do with them. Therefore, the problem isn’t “fat”, its piles of excess ingredients your body’s stacked on shelves and vowed to sort out later.

Robin Jones Gunn

I look back now and realize that the gift of a true friend is that she sees you not the way you see yourself or the way others see you. A true friend sees you for who you are and who you can become.

If you feel far from God, guess who moved?

You know what I think? I think that if a young woman doesn't engage in the act of occasionally wishing on a star or a flower or a birthday cake full of candles, then we're forfeiting one of the sweetest whimsies of our youth.

In Africa we having a saying, 'If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.' ...Before I go back home, I want you to consider us, Katie. Ponder what it would be like if we went together. Not alone and fast but together and far.

It's funny whom we end up choosing to love and who ends up choosing to love us. It's rarely the people we think it should be

When in doubt chicken out.

Thomas Fuller

It is said that the darkest hour of the night comes just before the dawn.

A stumble may prevent a fall.

A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

It is the property of fools to be always judging.

If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.

Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.

Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too.

All things are difficult before they are easy.

Leo Babauta

Instead of focusing on how much you can accomplish, focus on how much you can absolutely love what you’re doing

The way I define happiness is being the creator of your experience, choosing to take pleasure in what you have, right now, regardless of the circumstances, while being the best you that you can be.

The life you have left is a gift. Cherish it. Enjoy it now, to the fullest. Do what matters, now.

At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people that we will become.

Simplicity boils down to two steps: Identify the essential. Eliminate the rest.

Stop waiting for the right person to come into your life. Be the right person to come to someone’s life.

We’re so caught up in trying to do everything, experience all the essential things, not miss out on anything important...We can’t read all the good books, watch all the good films, go to all the best cities in the world, try all the best restaurants, meet all the great people...Life is better when we don’t try to do everything. Learn to enjoy the slice of life you experience, and life turns out to be wonderful.

Eric Idle

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will make me cry by myself in a corner for hours.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.

Know what I mean? Eh, eh, Nudge nudge, Say no more?

Always look on the brighter side of life.

The room was rococo. I had a strong sense of gilt.

Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it, life's a laugh and deat's a joke, it's true: You'll se it's all a show, keep'em laughing as you go, just remember that the last laugh is on YOU...and ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

Lisa Lutz

Our ability to adapt is amazing. Our ability to change isn't quite as spectacular.

I have a weakness for tough guys who read.

If people really grew up, there would be no crime, no divorce, no Civil War reenactors....it's not like you think it will be, that one day you'll wake up and realize that you've got things figured out. You never figure it out. Ever.

My father insisted that the boys in my life were directly responsible for my juvenile-delinquent tendencies.
My mother, more accurately, assumed that I was the bad influence.

I entered his apartment without being invited, which is perfectly fine if you're not a vampire.

Calvin Coolidge

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

It takes a great man to be a good listener.

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.”

Don’t expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong.

It is much more important to kill bad bills than to pass good ones.

If we judge ourselves only by our aspirations and everyone else only their conduct we shall soon reach a very false conclusion.

We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

I have noticed that nothing I have never said ever did me any harm.

Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Baltasar Gracián

Never open the door to a lesser evil, for other and greater ones invariably slink in after it.

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

The best skill at cards is knowing when to discard.

Friendship multiplies the good of life and divides the evil.

Without courage, wisdom bears no fruit.

Two kinds of people are good at foreseeing danger: those who have learned at their own expense, and the clever people who learn a great deal at the expense of others.

For the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching.

Margaret Drabble

Perhaps the rare and simple pleasure of being seen for what one is compensates for the misery of being it.

When nothing is sure, everything is possible.

What really annoys me are the ones who write to say, I am doing your book for my final examinations and could you please tell me what the meaning of it is. I find it just so staggering--that you're supposed to explain the meaning of your book to some total stranger! If I knew what the meanings of my books were, I wouldn't have bothered to write them.”

Novels, since the birth of the genre, have been full of rejected, seduced, and abandoned maidens, whose proper fate is to die...

I need words and print... I need print like an addict. I could live without it, perhaps. But I hope I never have to try.

I'd rather be at the end of a dying tradition, which I admire, than at the beginning of a tradition which I deplore.

There would be more genuine rejoicing at the discovery of a complete new novel by Jane Austen than any other literary discovery, short of a new major play by Shakespeare.